The Honeymoon Phase

One of the biggest issues a fantasy league faces is finding a night where everyone can draft. The problem our league had was that Kevin was getting married in late-August, and would be on his honeymoon for pretty much the entire drafting period. Short on time and options, I sent Kevin a g-chat and sheepishly asked the unaskable:

Me:       I know I probably shouldn't ask this
Me:       and feel free to immediately shoot it down
Me:       but is there ANY way you can draft from your honeymoon?
Me:       maybe she'll excuse you for a couple hours?
No response for two minutes, then:
Kevin:   dude
Kevin:   come on

Next week, it's Chad's turn to go on his honeymoon, relinquishing control of his fantasy team during a critical three-week juncture of the season. I can promise you no one in this world will feel more out of sorts than Chad without a fantasy team in the middle of football season. But he's doing it, trusting his team to a friend from work.

"You think Beanie Wells is inactive again this week?"

It's become very, very clear to me that the thought of maintaining ties with the football world during your honeymoon is third rail. It's a given that when you take off on that plane for Fiji, Tahiti, or whatever fantastical, once-in-a-lifetime place you're going, you're leaving your other fantasy behind.

But why? I beg you to come up with one good reason why I should have to give up football completely when I go on my honeymoon. In the meantime, I'll give you some reasons why I shouldn't.

1) LACK OF ALTERNATIVES
You're with her for 2-3 weeks straight with pretty much nothing to do but relax, read, and talk to each other. OK, maybe you go hang gliding or swimming with dolphins one day, but it's a pretty good bet that most of the time will be spent at your luxury hotel lounging by the pool drinking mojitos. So when she pulls out her InStyle or Girl With The Dragon Tattoo book, are you really expected to counter with the latest and lamest Dan Brown novel? Sure, maybe ten years ago you didn't have a choice, but that brings me to reason number two...

2) INTERNET
Internet makes it easy to stay in touch wherever you are. It's true for emailing your parents, and it's true for tweeting Jahvid Best and asking about his turf toe. You don't even have to watch the games: Just look at the stats, do a little research, and add/drop as needed. Your luxury hotel will have WiFi, so you can do this all right from the pool. If necessary, point the screen away from her and tell her you're researching dinner options.

3) FAIRNESS
This question just in: Isn't this 50% my honeymoon, too? Shouldn't I get to do at least a little bit of what I want?? I'll have just spent the last 8-12 months at her beck and call doing whatever she needs for the wedding, no questions asked, because the wedding is all about her. I get that. But the honeymoon? That's my dream vacation just as much as it is hers. And for me, a dream vacation includes at least the minimal amount of time it takes to maintain a fantasy football edge.

My friend Scott had a long-term relationship years before I did, and when I'd tease him about some of the ridiculous things his girlfriend (now wife) made him do, he'd smile and say: "One day you'll understand."

To this point, he's been right on about everything. I guess one day I'll understand.


Weekend Picks
Games of the year in the Big 12, SEC, and Pac-10 on Saturday...and I'll be missing all of them.

Oklahoma (-3.5) vs. Texas (Sat, 3:30 ET). If I keep picking it, one day, it'll happen.

Alabama (-8) vs. Florida (Sat, 8:00 ET). Unfortunately for Greg, who's going to this game (and not to mention the Gators), I think this game ends up looking better on paper than it will in real life.

Stanford (+7) @ Oregon (Sat, 8:00 ET). Ducks' offense has been unstoppable, but Stanford quietly keeps racking up quality wins.

Browns (+3) vs. Bengals (Sun, 1:00 ET). Cleveland's 0-3, but they've played good teams and look ready to break through.

Bears (+4) @ Giants (Sun, 8:20 ET). Bears D looks to have that swagger back. G-Men look like they're ready to quit.

Dolphins (+1) @ Patriots (Mon, 8:30 ET). Probably another "homer" pick for me, but I really think Miami's starting to put things together offensively.

Last Week: 4-2
Season: 11-7-1

FVG Discovers Podcasts

In my never-ending quest to be perfectly efficient, I finally -- two to three years late -- embraced podcasts. I typically resist new technologies as long as I can and hope they go away, until I realize they're here to stay and worth the hassle of learning how to use them. But podcasts made too much sense to continue ignoring. I have 15 minutes of walking each way for my commute, and other than somewhere between three and six burned calories, not much to show for it. If you're telling me I can use that commuting/walking time to listen to a half-hour of Fantasy Football Focus, I just need to know where to sign.

The problem was, I had no idea how to get set up. I had no iPod (yes, I have no iPod), so Lindsey gave me her old one (no, I'll never download a song to it). Then I had to "sync" it to iTunes (which actually wasn't too difficult), and then went to the iTunes store to fill it with content.

This last part was more fun than I'd ever imagined. Pretty much every podcast is free, and you can "subscribe" to them -- meaning they automatically download to your iTunes every time a new one comes out. And there's a podcast for everything! Not only did I get ESPN Fantasy Focus, I got Dolphins OnDemand and Dolphins 'Finsider, too. And while I was at it, I got some newscasts and favorite political shows, which could potentially replace newspapers and magazines for me if all goes well. Who knows, I may never read again!

There's a good chance you're reading this and saying, "No sh*t, FVG. Podcasts are awesome. Welcome to the 21st century." And you're right. But in case you're a fellow boyfriend with limited fantasy research time (and a very late adopter like I am), allow me to suggest podcasts as an efficient way to consume that much more football content without having your girlfriend kill you.

At least, until she realizes you forgot how to read.


Weekend Picks

SMU (+18) vs. TCU (Fri, 8:00 ET). June Jones is turning SMU into the new Hawaii. Except it's not quite as awesome there.

Oregon St. (+18) @ Boise St. (Sat, 8:00 ET). Boise would HAVE to cover this spread to prove their worthy of a shot in the title game. I think it's unlikely.

Arizona St. (+12) vs. Oregon (Sat, 10:30 ET). Linebacker Vontaze Burfict has a cool name, and a defense with the speed to slow down the Ducks.

Chiefs (+2.5) vs. 49ers (Sun, 1:00 ET). I think the wrong team's favored here. Chiefs 2-0 start has to count for something, especially the way they're playing defense.

Lions (+11.5) @ Vikings (Sun, 1:00 ET). What exactly has Minnesota done this year to prove they're 11.5 points better than Detroit?

Houston (-3) vs. Dallas (Sun, 1:00 ET). And by the same token, what has Dallas done to make people think they can hang with what's become one of the top five teams in the league?

Last Week: 3-2-1
Season: 7-5-1 

Ironing, Backrubs, and Other Golden Tickets

Late last season, I was talking to my co-worker Kara about weekend plans, and I asked if she and her husband ever argued over his football-watching.

"Football?" Kara asked.

Yes, football. The sport.

"Ohhhhhh. You mean 'ironing'?"

Apparently many, many seasons ago, Kara and her husband Karl made a deal: Karl could watch all the football he wants, as long as he ironed clothes while he did it.

Genius. Absolute genius.

Karl found his golden ticket: The benefit he can offer his wife in exchange for unlimited viewing pleasure. Karl watches football, which he loves. And Kara never irons again, which she hates. Everybody wins.

But if you hate ironing (as I do), allow me to suggest an alternative: The Backrub.

So easy, a boyfriend can do it.

Not long after Lindsey and I started dating, the backrub became my golden ticket. It was inherently agreed upon that if I was rubbing her back, I had carte blanche with the remote. Football, basketball, SportsCenter, you name it. She doesn't care. She doesn't hear it. Think about when she gets a massage at the spa. Think they have Rachel Zoe playing in the background? Of course not. When she's getting Extreme Backrub: Home Edition, your soft hands are all the sweet music she needs.

Sometimes (OK, rarely), a Mets player will hit a double into the gap (or something of that equivalent in other sports), and I'll get so excited I'll forget to rub for a few seconds. That's the only thing that brings Lindsey out of her trance. I quickly apologize, and go back into mine. I've rubbed for entire halves of football games without even noticing. I can backrub on autopilot.

If, for whatever reason, massages aren't working for you, keep searching. There has to be a skill you can offer her that's sports-watching-friendly. Maybe she hates doing laundry and you don't mind making trips between innings. Maybe she hates paying bills and you make it a Monday Night Football tradition. Maybe you have an unobstructed view from your kitchen, and can watch the game while you cook.

Not everything works (dishes make loud clanking noises, gardening means being outside, etc). It may take some trial and error. But eventually, you'll find your golden ticket. And when you do, nurture it, master it, cherish it, rename your sport after it.

Because "Ironing" beats Real Housewives any day of the week.

Weekend Picks

Arkansas (+2) @ Georgia (Sat, 12:00 ET). Georgia's at home, but Arkansas has better players, and a better coach. Underdog's won four of the last five in this series, too.

Nebraska (-3) @ Washington (Sat, 3:30 ET). Jake Locker gets the Heisman hype, but watch out for true frosh Taylor Martinez in this one.

Iowa (+1) @ Arizona (Sat, 10:30 ET). The Hawkeyes have BCS aspirations this year, and deservedly so.

Ravens (-2.5) @ Bengals (Sun, 1:00 ET). Even though they only scored 10 points, I was impressed with Baltimore's offense last week. They're loaded on both sides this year.

Lions (+6) vs. Eagles (Sun, 1:00 ET). I think Vick will be much less effective when a team has a week to prepare. Too many points.

49ers (+6) vs. Saints (Mon, 8:30 ET). Remember when everyone thought the Niners would be good this year? It was one bad game ago. Look for them to bounce back as home dogs on Monday night.


Last Week: 3-1
Season: 4-3-1

Ramsey Moves Out, and a Special Friend Visits

Ramsey was moving out of our apartment, and in with his girlfriend Annie. But to where? Would she come join him in New York? Or would he go join her in Philly? I went to Dempsey's -- one of our favorite local pubs – to have a beer and mull it over.

As hard as I tried to consider both sides, the decision seemed obvious. Not only are all of Ramsey’s friends are in New York City, but New York's just better. Who cares if Annie's anxious about moving to an overwhelming city she’d otherwise have no interest in? She'll learn to love it, right?

Then I hear a rumbling sound, and the ground starts to shake. Wait a minute. Is that....

LEE CORSO TRIUMPHANTLY BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR ATOP A SPECTACULAR WHITE HORSE. HE’S CARRYING "MR. MET" MASCOT HEADGEAR IN ONE HAND, AND "PHILLIE PHANATIC" MASCOT HEADGEAR IN THE OTHER.

….Lee Corso?!?!?

HE DISMOUNTS HIS HORSE, PUTS DOWN THE HEADGEAR, AND POINTS A PENCIL IN MY DIRECTION.

"You've got a lot to learn, young man!"

CORSO: Not so fast, my friend!

ME: You don't think New York is the obvious choice for Ramsey?

CORSO: Not only is it not the obvious choice, it’s the wrong choice.

HE GRABS THE STOOL NEXT TO ME AT THE BAR AND TAKES A SIP OF MY BEER.

ME: Please explain.

CORSO: You know football started this week, right?

ME: Right.

CORSO: And you write a freaking blog about it, so you know there's lots of “football vs. girlfriend” arguments coming up, correct?

ME: Correct.

CORSO: And your goal is to win the majority of those arguments, right?

ME: Of course. Where are you going with this, Mr. Corso?

HE TAKES A MASSIVE GULP OF MY BEER, AND SLAMS IT DOWN ON THE BAR.

CORSO: Son, Ramsey has two choices: The first is convincing Annie to live in New York City, but feeling guilty about it the entire time, knowing he asked her to do something she didn’t want to do. And since Annie made the ultimate sacrifice for Ramsey, she automatically wins every football vs. girlfriend argument.

ME (horrified): Automatically?

CORSO: Or they can live in Philly, making Annie happier than a $8000 gift certificate to Forever 21. Now Ramsey’s the one making the sacrifice, meaning he automatically wins every football vs. girlfriend battle.

ME: Fair enough, Lee. But won’t that wear off at some point?

CORSO: Of course! With women, everything does. But football will be over by then, most likely.

ME: Most likely.

HE FINISHES WHAT’S LEFT OF MY BEER.

CORSO: And besides, it’s the right thing to do.

ME: Well I guess I know which headgear you're putting on, then.

CORSO GRABS MR. MET AND PHILLIE PHANATIC HEADGEAR AND PUTS THEM ON THE BAR.

"Mets stink! Mets stink!"

CORSO: If you’ll excuse me…

CORSO PUTS THE PHILLIE PHANATIC HEADGEAR ON HIS HEAD, STANDS UP ON THE BAR, AND STARTS YELLING AT THE NEW YORK CROWD AND DANCING TO THE MUSIC. THE CROWD BOOS BACK. CORSO TAUNTS THEM MERCILESSLY, YELLING “METS CHOKE AGAIN! METS CHOKE AGAIN!” BEFORE TAKING TWO SHOTS OF JAMESON, REMOUNTING HIS HORSE, AND RIDING OFF INTO THE 2ND AVENUE SUNSET.

ME: I guess Ramsey’s moving to Philly.

Weekend Picks

Michigan (+3.5) @ Notre Dame (Sat, 3:30 ET). After running circles around UConn last week, consider me convinced that Denard Robinson is the real deal. I don't see the Irish having any better luck.

Tennessee (+12) vs. Oregon (Sat, 7:00 ET). The Ducks are good, and have really cool uniforms. But 12 points on the road to an always tough SEC team?

Dolphins (-3) @ Bills (Sun, 1:00 ET). My little brother made me put $50 on this game about two months ago, so I've gotta roll with it.

Packers (-3) @ Eagles (Sun, 4:00 ET). Green Bay living up to the hype begins here, hopefully with a Mason Crosby field goal or two for my fantasy team.

Last Week: 1-2-1
Season: 1-2-1

What's In a Name

Every August, we spend absurd amounts of time preparing for our fantasy drafts. Sure, there's money riding on it, but not nearly as much money as the jobs we're neglecting. We read and re-read '32 Questions', check injury reports, and do endless, pointless mock drafts. Finally, we get to the point we feel like we're ready, put down our pencils, and triumphantly sign our teams up for our leagues, where we're first prompted to type in our team name.

Uh oh.

The Team Name. The ultimate measure of creativity. In some ways just as important as the team we draft, because like the players we ultimately pick, everyone's judging. Creativity can be scary and daunting, and this is coming from someone who does it for a living. Why think about a team name ahead of time and give ourselves something else to stress about? We'll just figure out a name when the time comes.

I did some research on the topic -- both on the internet, and past leagues I've been in on Yahoo! -- where I found quite a few recurring types of names that consistently succeed.

So if you're stuck staring at a Team Name prompt and a blinking cursor, here are some options to get you started.

The 'Play on Words Based on an NFL Player's Name' Name
EXAMPLES: Skittles Taste Dwayne Bowe, Texas Chainsaw Massaquoi, Vick in a Box
So much potential here. NFL players tend to have great names, and also seem to do stupid things on a daily basis. This well never dries up.

The 'Play On Words Based On Your Own Name' Name
EXAMPLES: The Jack Attack, Cleveland Stephens
You're restricted to your own name, and your non-headline-making life. But it still works, and it's often funny. And the bonus is that everyone immediately knows it's your team, avoiding any potential confusion.

The 'Making Fun of Someone Else in the League' Name
EXAMPLES: Chet's Gay, McGee Pees Sitting Down
Another tried-and-true technique, but to my point above, beware of confusion. "Chet's Gay" might be you, but people's brains will always go to Chet. And Chet may be a lot less willing to do in-season trades with you, putting you at a competitive disadvantage.

The 'Over the Top Vulgar' Name
EXAMPLES: (Not included, this is a family blog)
Quite popular in my league. If you're planning to go this route, make sure you have an understanding girlfriend, because she WILL find out at some point, whether she means to or not.

Inside Jokes
EXAMPLES: (I could put some, but you wouldn't get it)
My favorite example of this: My little brother and his friend Chris (who were ten years old at the time) were asking me about Alcatraz for a book report. I explained that it used to be a prison, but now it's defunct. They had no idea what defunct meant, so I explained that too. Things quickly got boring, so we started talking about something else. A month later, Robby told me Chris' team name: "The Defunct Alcatrazes". Don't even try and tell me that's not funny.

The 'I'm Not Creative so I'm Not Even Gonna Try' Name
EXAMPLES: The Punishers, Jeff
I actually have heart for this strategy, and in a weird way, I end up finding these names funny. These people know who they are, and they're not ashamed of it. No complaints here.

The 'Name You Used Last Year' Name
EXAMPLES: (depends)
A monster cop-out, and I'm ashamed to say I've been guilty of it. It's tempting if your team has a good year (or a good name) to want to keep it. But trust me, it loses its luster. Anything different, no matter how bad, is better than the status quo.

In closing, there's probably nothing you can think of that hasn't been thought of already, so don't beat yourself up over it. I think the most important thing is to write something you'll enjoy saying all year. If you set the bar too high, you're just gonna drive yourself nuts. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a fantasy team name to think of.


FVG Picks are Back!

Utah (-3) vs. Pittsburgh (Thursday, 8:30 ET). No better way to start off the year than betting against Dave Wannstedt.

USC (-21) @ Hawaii (Thursday, 11:00 ET). USC had a rough offseason, to put it lightly. Trojans take it out on the Rainbows in a big way.

UConn (+3) @ Michigan (Saturday, 3:30 ET). Ridiculous. How much does one team have to overachieve and the other underachieve before spreads start reflecting it?

Boise State (PK) vs. Virginia Tech (in Landover, MD, Monday, 8:00 ET). Why do they always play these "neutral site" games 5 miles from one team and 3,000 miles from the other? It makes no sense. Anyway, I still like Boise. V-Tech's rebuilding on defense, and this isn't a good place to start.